Communication Skillsor“Advice for Effective Listening” : Communication Skillsor“Advice for Effective Listening”
What Makes Listening Hard? : What Makes Listening Hard?
What Makes Listening Hard?The Internal Voice : What Makes Listening Hard?The Internal Voice What are you talking about?
Only the delusional believe in the internal voice…. Interesting concept!
Typical Thoughts While Listening : Typical Thoughts While Listening Judging
“Doing it your way won’t work, and anyway you’ve got the facts all wrong."
Preparing a response
Defending: “But this wasn’t my fault!”
Arguing: “You’re missing the point, stupid. What’s critical here is….”
Problem-solving: “It’s so obvious that what you should do is . . ."
Anticipating: “Oh yeah, this is just like what happened in the last deal I worked on….”
Daydreaming
"I wonder if I’ll have time to get coffee when this session ends…if it ever ends…."
Slide 5 : An ability to hear
Agreeing or being nice
Saying “uh huh,” nodding, etc… Common misconceptions of what it takes to be a good listener…
Active Listening: ASSUMPTIONS : Active Listening: ASSUMPTIONS Some Limiting Assumptions
“Listening is for those who are weak”
“I won’t persuade them by listening – I need to make arguments”
“They might persuade me if I listen to what they say.”
“Listening conveys agreement, and I don’t agree with them” Some Helpful Assumptions
“If I listen carefully, I may learn useful information”
“If I listen effectively I can satisfy their interest in being understood”
“I can listen without agreeing”
“If I demonstrate good listening, it makes it easier for them to listen to me”
Typically, We Advocate First : Typically, We Advocate First I’m right
If They Don’t Agree, We Advocate More, Harder, Louder : If They Don’t Agree, We Advocate More, Harder, Louder I’m
Really REALLY
RIGHT!!
Their Internal Voice Blocks Our Advocacy : Their Internal Voice Blocks Our Advocacy I’m
Really REALLY
RIGHT!! I’ve had different
experiences.
There were other factors.
I’m not being heard.
I’m angry!!
Instead, Listen First: Make Their Internal Voice External : Instead, Listen First: Make Their Internal Voice External I’ve had different
experiences.
There were other factors.
I’d like to describe them. I wonder why we see
this differently? [continue to inquire,
acknowledge, paraphrase]
….and here’s how I see it….
Active Listening: Internal Skills : Active Listening: Internal Skills Negotiate with yourself to be curious
Re-align your internal voice
Resist the urge to judge, defend, or give advice
Remind yourself why it is important to understand
Be authentic
Active Listening: External Skills : Active Listening: External Skills Paraphrasing
Inquiry
Acknowledgement
Paraphrasing : Paraphrasing “OK, what you’ve told me so far is…and as a result you conclude that…. Do I understand you correctly?”
“It sounds as if, first, your company wants to pay a fair fee; second, they’re looking for good market penetration; third…”
“Let me make sure I got this right. The main concerns that your supervisor has with this contract are…” Restate what you heard the other person say,
without necessarily agreeing.
Inquiry : Inquiry “What, specifically, do you mean by ‘promptly’ in this situation?”
“Help me understand why your team member feels so offended.”
“How would your budgeting proposal actually work?”
“Say more.” Ask questions in order to learn more
about their perspective and to test
your assumptions.
Arguments disguised as questions : Arguments disguised as questions “But don’t you think we’d be better using the other strategy?”
“How can you possibly see it that way?”
“Do you really think that will work?”
“Seriously?!?”
Why Inquiry Matters … : Why Inquiry Matters … Canadians
“Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”
“Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”
“No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”
“This is a lighthouse. Your call.” Americans
“Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.”
“This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”
“This is the Aircraft Carrier U.S.S. Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that’s one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Acknowledgement : Acknowledgement “Wow! I imagine that was a very gratifying moment for you.”
“You sound angry with our intern.”
“It must have been frustrating for you when I didn’t return your call for several days.” Demonstrate an understanding of the other person’s feelings by reflecting them back.
Acknowledgement in Active Listening : Acknowledgement in Active Listening Feelings
Acknowledge feelings before problem-solving : Acknowledge feelings before problem-solving Feelings Acknowledgment
Active Listening Pitfalls : Active Listening Pitfalls Questionable
Complete silence
“OK, but … ”
“I understand.” More Effective
Acknowledging
Paraphrasing
Inquiring
Let’s Practice! : Let’s Practice! Developing skills requires practice.
HAVE FUN…
AND MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
Active Listening Exercise : Active Listening Exercise Speaker Coach Listener Step 1:
Get into groups of 3.
Step 2:
Designate one person the “Listener,” a second the “Speaker,”and the third the “Coach.”
Step 3:
Listeners: Think of a widely-known and controversial public issue about which you feel strongly. In a sentence or two, tell the Speaker what your issue and your viewpoint on it are.
Active Listening Exercise (II) : Active Listening Exercise (II) Step 4:
Speakers: You are now going to begin a conversation where you adopt the opposite viewpoint of the Listener. Jot down a couple of points that you might make to advocate for “your” views.
Listeners: In this conversation you can only do one thing: listen actively.
Paraphrase
Acknowledge
Inquire
Coaches: Pay attention to the things that the Listener does that you think are effective (that is, that make the Speaker feel heard) and ineffective. Interrupt as needed to provide coaching to the Listener.
Active Listening Exercise (III) : Active Listening Exercise (III) Step 5:
Coaches: Give coaching to the Listener about what he or she did that was effective and what he or she could have done differently to be more effective as an active listener.
Speakers: Give coaching to the Listener from your perspective as the “recipient” of the active listening.
Any Questions? ? : Any Questions? ?