Slide 1 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy A Map to Guide Your Way Communication Between Households Class 6
Slide 2 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Divorce does have a major impact
Much depends on the reactions of the adults
There is a wide variability of outcomes
Readjustment period averages three years
Long-term negative effects are NOT inevitable Children are very resilient with right conditions! Summary of Research on Effects of Divorce
Slide 3 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Negative Risk Factors: Degree of Conflict Between Parents
Loss of Access to Either Parent
Economic Hardship
Poor Maternal Well-Being
Negative Parenting Style
Life and Family Stress Buffering Factors: Maintenance of Routine
Supportive social and family environment
CO-Parenting/Low Conflict between Parents
Slide 4 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Maximize the Best Outcome for Your Children! Best outcomes occur when two parents
learn to set aside their differences, and
work toward the good of the children
by CO-PARENTING
Slide 5 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy What Parents Can Do Learn Cooperation - protect children from Conflict
Take Care of Yourself
Find Positive Social Support and Provide Social Support for Children
Provide Security
Allow child to have a positive relationship with other parent
Have a place for the child’s belongings in both homes
Be as fair as possible between siblings Set the Example for the Other Parent and Offer Cooperation
Slide 6 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Badmouth the other parent or encourage negative feelings toward them
Emotionally burden children with your feelings/woes
Burden children with details of divorce
Give children too much responsibility (or too litte)
Quickly change your parenting style DO NOT: May use A/B Reality Tool
Slide 7 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Parenting Relationship After Divorce Must Shift from Intimate
Informal
High Level of Involvment
Low Privacy
Unwritten Expectations To Businesslike
No Assumptions
Explicit Agreements
Low Level of Involvement
High Privacy
Slide 8 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Parallel Parenting Little or not direct contact
Put it in writing
Neutral location/neutral person if necessary
Have children’s things in both locations; carry back & forth as little as possible
Avoid discussions that will cause more conflict
Attempt to move toward a more cooperative style if safe
Slide 9 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Co-Parenting a Multi - Parent Model for Children Acknowledge and encourage positive relationship with other parent
Find something you respect about other parent and say it (at least to child)
Use non-judgmental, neutral language
Allow for other’s parenting style
Slide 10 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Rules for Visitation/Relationship with Other Parent Keep Visitation set in stone as much as possible
Watch entrances and exits with the other parent - children are watching!
Find solutions & compromises - Don’t try to WIN
Don’t expect perfection
Know when to call a “time-out” and move back to parallel parenting
Neutral party presence
Put as much in writing as possible
Plan for discussion by making an agenda
Be flexible -set the example
Focus on children’s view and experience
Slide 11 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Don’t put the child in the middle! Don’t put the stepparent in the middle! Don’t put the parent in the middle! OVERALL: Stuck between two people’s conflict is a no-win situation
- for everybody in the long run....
Slide 12 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Children’s Bill of Rights
(American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers) You have the right to love both parents, and the right to be loved by both of them
You do not have to choose one parent over the other
You’re entitled to all the feelings you’re having
You have the right to be in a safe environment
You don’t belong in the middle of your parents’ breakup
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life
You have the right to be a child - and not to worry about adult problems
It is not you fault and don’t blame yourself! Bill of Rights
Slide 13 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Are you playing any of these games - even in a subtle way? Games Parents Play Comparing - and trying to come up on top
Loyalty choices
Badmouthing
“Parent to the Rescue”
“Instigator”
Making child “the messenger”
Time with children as reward and punishment
“The money game”
Disneyland Dad or Merry Mom
Slide 14 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy These Games Result In: Children “parenting” their parents
Emotional/psychological distress
Negative feelings toward parent playing the games (can backfire long-term)
Psychosomatic Illness
Decline in functioning; depression
Heightened conflict between the parents (the worst thing for your children!)
Slide 15 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Games Children Play: I’ll be on your side if you give me what I want
Variation: I’ll prove my love by hating her/him/them
Mom/Dad lets me
Mom/Dad is more fun
Refusal to spend time/threats to leave
Slide 16 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy When the Other Parent is Hostile Don’t Take It Personally! brings up our own issues; get these handled on your own
he or she is not “on board” with your “happy blended family” fantasy
we get hurt about not being included (stay in the drama to be included)
recognize that whether you take it personally or not is a choice YOU make (C.O.D.) -
how do I want to spend my mental time?
Slide 17 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Be An Observer When the Other Parent is Hostile... recognize what she might be going through (A/B Reality, Walking in her shoes)
have compassion; don’t know what’s inside their head
disengage from the drama; let go - they’re not going to play the part you imagined
Lots of people criticize the other’s parenting style - it MAY BE different, accept it (unless there’s a serious problem)
Slide 18 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy You may want a relationship, he/she does not... back off - there’s no arguing with crazy
let go of your goal to make it work between you
As Mary Kelly Williams puts it: “It’s really not my choice to spend time with someone who’s having sex with the father of my children that I had sex with too! Feels like loosey-goosey boundaries and that just doesn’t work for me…”
Slide 19 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy For the Stepparent... Time and Patience - Don’t Push It
Try Sending across “Positive Tidbits” About Her/Him
Look for Openness, Little Signs of Willingness
Vulnerability, Being Open to Connect Might Work
It’s not Necessary to Have a Good Relationship
Consider Being Less Involved if Your Involvement Isn’t Accepted
Be On a “Need To Know” Basis with Discussions Re: the Other Parent
Slide 20 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy Truwell Process “Anxious, overwhelmed, guilt-ridden - that's how I felt going into my Truwell process w/ Joan. My bitter former husband had been slinging untrue accusations and character attacks at me, and the stress was taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I slipped into the negative mode of second-guessing myself. Through the powerful Truwell method, guided by Joan's expertise, and compassion, I was able to uncover the root cause of the anxiety, get back my confidence, and claim my truth. Now when I feel the stress and anxiety surface, I am able to affirm my own truth, unclouded by my ex-husband’s judgements, and I’m re-empowered.” Jen M., Chattanooga TN
Special:
(If you register for this program by the end of this course - March 31)
Sessions are regularly $90 for 90 minutes (extremely reasonable at regular rate!)
$298 for 4 Sessions instead of $360
Commit to 4, pay for them one at a time
Have 12 weeks to complete; can be used by a combination of the two partners
Slide 21 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily
Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions
Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved
Copy