Class 3 Creating A Successful Stepfamily

Slide 1 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy A Map to Guide Your Way Stepparenting & the relationship with Stepchildren Class 3

Slide 2 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy In a Stepfamily “Typical “ = ??? So many variables and influencing factors: Living arrangements Ages of children Personalities involved Involvement/Lack of involvement of each parent Attitude of nonresident parent

Slide 3 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Exceptions/Mitigating Factors Very Young Children at Time of Remarriage You Have Children Together Nonresident Parent Absent/Uninvolved Length of Your Marriage Personalities Involved All these factors are conducive to a more bonded family unit and to more involvement by the stepparent Schedule - children at your home more fulltime

Slide 4 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Follow a protocol that’s backed up by research Learn about trends and patterns common to stepfamilies Use ideas that work for your family Find What Works for You Knowledge is Power!

Slide 5 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Indications of Issues with Stepchildren

Slide 6 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Listen, listen, listen Let the child talk Get help as needed Be a team working together Ultimately, the child’s issues are the responsibility of the PARENTS

Slide 7 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Acknowledge Children’s Experience 1.Loss of Control (had no say in remarriage) 2. Shuttle back & forth between homes 3. May have had more power in single parent hh 4. Loss of some access to parent 5. Sense of belonging may be disrupted

When Two Households are Involved : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy When Two Households are Involved Joint Custody Both parents active and integral to child’s life The majority of cases today Recognize maternal instinct; possessiveness Don’t infringe on it Insisting on being an equal part of parenting team is not likely to work “Blood is thicker than water”

Slide 9 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy If Stepfamily Home is Primary, and Stepparent is Thrust into Parent Role (Children’s mother is uninvolved, or has died) Caveat: Be prepared! If the mother comes back onto the scene, the loyalty will go back to her... The stepmother will generally take on more of the parenting role If the mother is truly abusive, need to go through court system for custody Even in this case, children are likely to resist the stepmother taking on mom role Recognize their loyalty to mother “no matter what” - will reduce much conflict Acknowledge that they have a mother and you would never interfere with that

Slide 10 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy BOTTOM LINE: Stepparent Parent! Biggest issue in remarriage therapy: Parenting (the spouse who is not the parent insists on how the parenting should be done) They aren’t your kids; the parents make the decisions about the child’s welfare It’s not a competition to see who’s best, or to get the child to choose one over the other If the parents agree to the stepparent’s involvement, then that can be negotiated...

Slide 11 : Stepparent Needs to Know When and How to Back Off! Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy The Lack of Control is Hard to Take! The desire to control others is at the root of much of the stepfamily issue The stepparent is a THREAT To the Child To the NonResident Parent

Slide 12 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy When Other Children are In the Stepcouple’s Home “Complex Stepfamily”: Stepparent is Parent also Stepcouple has more reason to get on the same page Stepparent will often have more of a parental role The Nonresident Parent may not accept that role Age of Stepchildren is an important consideration

Slide 13 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Appropriate Control: The Marital System You have the right to a say about what affects you as husband and wife

Slide 14 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Stepparent’s Areas of Say Rules of the Home Input on Schedules Treatment by Children How Much You Do for Them

Slide 15 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Couple Negotiates these Rules, and Presents Them To Children as a Team Family Time/Structure Chores/Household Duties How People Treat One Another Consequences of Rule Infractions Rules of the Home

Slide 16 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Age allowed to ____, School issues, Friends, etc. House Rules vs. Parenting Rules Can be lots of gray area, esp if there are other children in the home - by other parent or by couple Different rules for different homes Different rules for different kids Life isn’t fair/preparation for real life

Slide 17 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Be Part of Marital System, not Parental System: Can be a tough pill to swallow (we want to be in control!) Express Opinion, but remember different perspectives (hypersensitivity!) No need to share everything that goes on in your head! If parent is operating out of guilt... Let yourself off the parental hook! Let go... (Serenity Prayer)

Slide 18 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Focus on Your Marriage! Divorce rate of 71% in remarriages w/ children Goal is for kids to grow up, be independent You want an intact marriage during empty nest Not healthy for children to be center of life Children don’t need to go through another divorce House Rules - nothing is personal!

Slide 19 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Problems Solved by this Approach Less overwhelming for stepparent - “no reflection on you” Easier to manage rivalry, w stepchildren and with other parent Parent in the home becomes less “in the middle”, less need to protect Focus on the House Rules - Where You Have Some Control The couple decides where House Rules begin and end (depends on the situation)

Slide 20 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy Stepparent/Stepchild Relationship Ally Mentor Resource “Aunt, Uncle” NOT Pal, Friend, or Replacement Parent!

Slide 21 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy What Works Best in the Stepfamily Listening/Reflective Listening Stepparent - Go Slow in Discipline, Bonding Don’t Try to Take the Parent’s Place Allow Child Time Alone With the Parent (allow & develop 1 - 1 relationships) OK/Necessary to Require Respect Towards Stepparent Avoid Comparisons - of All Kinds! Encouragement/ Appreciation Compassion, Acknowledgement between Couple and With Kids, and for Yourself! Don’t Take Things Personally Focus on the House Rules (Where You Have Appropriate Control) Self- Care and Self-Healing (Individual Truwell Coaching Available)

Slide 22 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy

Slide 23 : Creating a Successful Stepfamily Developed by Joan Sarin, M.S. , StepmomSOS and Stepfamily Solutions Copyright 2010, All Rights Reserved Copy HOMEWORK House Rules 1. Decide on what the boundaries of the House Rules are for your family 2. Choose 1 - 3 areas where you can agree on the House Rules 3. Write Them Down, Determine the Consequences for Infraction 4. Decide on a Time/Place/Situation to Lay Them Out for the Children 5. Agree on the areas that will come next Journal and Discuss: based on what you’ve learned, what other changes can you make? What can you let go of?