Sentence Improvement : Sentence Improvement AP Language and Composition – Mr. Reece
Slide 2 : Campuses Served:
Teacher of Record: North Dallas High School
Lincoln High School
Advanced Placement Support Schools:
Bryan Adams
David W. Carter
Pinkston
Irma Rangel
Roosevelt
Skyline
TAG
Slide 3 : The following sentences were taken from the Language and Identity writing diagnostic. If you wrote any of these sentences, remain silent and no one will ever know. If we do not learn from our mistakes, we are destined to keep repeating them.
Original Prompt: The paragraph below comes from the
1979 essay by expatriate African American writer James Baldwin. Read the paragraph carefully and then write an essay that defends, challenges, or qualifies Baldwin’s ideas about the importance of language as a “key to identity” and to social acceptance. Use specific evidence from your observation, experience, or reading to develop your position.
It goes without saying, then, that language is also a political instrument, means, and proof of power. It is the most vivid and crucial key to identity: It reveals the private identity, and connects one with, or divorces one from, the larger, public, or communal identity. There have been, and are, times, and places, when to speak a certain language could be dangerous, even fatal. Or, one may speak the same language, but in such a way that one’s antecedents are revealed, or (one hopes) hidden. This is true in France, and it is absolutely true in England: the range (and reign) of accents on that damp little island make England coherent for the English and totally incomprehensible for everyone else. To open your
Slide 4 : mouth in England is to (if I may use black English) “put your business in the street.” : You have confessed your parents, your youth, your school, your salary, your self-esteem, and, alas, your future. Problem Sentence(s):
James Baldwin says that “language is connected to identity.” I qualify for this statement because language may not describe that individual.
What is wrong with this sentence? How can we make it clearer?
Slide 5 : Problem Sentence(s):
James Baldwin says that “language is connected to identity.” I qualify for this statement because language may not describe that individual.
Issue(s): The preposition for is inappropriate in this context and changes the meaning entirely. The way the sentence is written makes it seem as though the writer has met a standard to receive something, as in “I qualify for financial aid.” Tip: Avoid announcing your position, which should be made clear in your thesis.
Better:
James Baldwin says that “language is connected to identity.” I qualify this statement because there are always exceptions to every rule. (At this point you must provide an example)
Problem Sentence(s)
Black people for instance, not all black people talk ghetto.
Slide 6 : Problem Sentence(s)
Black people for instance, not all black people talk ghetto.
Issue(s):
No one assumes that all black people talk ghetto.
Sentence is more suited for spoken English.
This “sentence” begins with a fragment.
“talk ghetto” should be replaced with more refined diction. Ghetto is not a language.
Overall sentence lacks clarity. Perhaps this sentence would make more sentence if it were part of the last sentence.
Better:
Not all black people speak non-standard English, or to use black vernacular “talk ghetto”
Tip: Replace talk with speak in academic essays; it sound more formal. The revised example shows versatility of language and style. Moving between one’s own dialect or way of speaking and standard diction is called “code-switching.”
Slide 7 : The Difference Between Talk and Speak
Mr.Maru: Where do you want to go for summer vacation?Sparky: Let's go to Peru. Mr.Maru: Why Peru?Sparky: I want to see Machu Picchu. I want to talk Spanish, too. Mr.Maru: You want to speak Spanish?Sparky: My friends were speaking about how easy it is.Mr.Maru: I think you should keep studying English first.
What is the difference between speak and talk? Are speak and talk used the same way? Let's talk about some examples and some rules.
Speak - the basics
The verb to speak means to communicate with speech. This verb usually refers to one person communicating. For example,
He spoke to the audience about the need for change. (One person saying something and the audience is listening.)I need to speak to you after class. (I want to say many things or ask many questions. We are not going to discuss something.)
Continued on next page
Slide 8 : …speak and talk continued
It may also refer to how the person is saying something. For example,
The doctor spoke carefully and slowly. (We are talking about the way the doctor says something.)I speak English and French. (I have the skill of communicating in English and French.)
Talk - the basics
The verb talk means to communicate ideas. But, this verb usually refers to two or more people exchanging or sharing information. For example,
We talked about my new project. (We shared a lot of information on my new project.)I need to talk to my boss about my raise. (I need to ask some questions and tell him some information.)
Continued on next slide…
Slide 9 : …speak and talk continued
Talk vs. Speak
There is no a big difference between these two verbs. They can often be used in the same situation. For example,
I spoke to Jenny about the meeting.I talked to Jenny about the meeting.
However, the verb speak has a more serious or formal meaning. For example,
I need to speak to your manager. (I'm a little angry.)The president spoke about the environment. (The president made a formal speech about the environment.)
The verb talk has a more casual or informal meaning. For example,
Could I talk to George please? I talked with my friends until the sun came up.
Overall, many teachers and native speakers feel that speak and talk have about the same meaning, but one verb is sometimes preferred.
Do you think you understand? Let's take a short quiz.
Slide 10 : 1) Mr.Maru can _____ Chinese.
A) speakB) talk
2) Martin Luther King Jr. ______ about peace and friendship.
A) spokeB) talked
3) George is _______ to his girlfriend on the phone.
A) speakingB) talking Quiz: TALK vs. SPEAK
Slide 11 : Answers
1) - A) - We must use speak with languages.2) - A) - We are talking about a formal or serious situation.3) - B) - George is communicating informally or casually on the phone. 1) Mr.Maru can _____ Chinese.
A) speakB) talk
2) Martin Luther King Jr. ______ about peace and friendship.
A) spokeB) talked
3) George is _______ to his girlfriend on the phone.
A) speakingB) talking Quiz:
Slide 12 : Problem Sentence:
I challenge this quote because not all the time you can tell a persons background or identity by the language they speak, because some may be different colors but speak a language of another color.
Issue(s):
Avoid using the indefinite “you” too frequently. “You” this and “you” that, becomes old rather quickly. Sophisticated writers must find a variety of ways to extend explanations or provide analogies that compare and/or contrast ideas. While using the indefinite pronoun “you” is an effective way to draw the reader into the text, it can become annoying if it is your only tool to illustrate. Use the pronoun “you” sparingly. Limit its use to create an effect, to emphasize or provide a rhetorical or tone shift.
Again, it is unnecessary to announce your position. Your position should be made clear through your thesis statement.
Syntax needs revision for clarity.
Slide 13 : Excerpt from Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerny
Slide 14 : Problem Sentence:
I challenge this quote because not all the time you can tell a persons background or identity by the language they speak, because some may be different colors but speak a language of another color.
Better:
Language is only one key to identity, so Baldwin’s assertion about their connection could be flawed.
Clarification: Color or race/ethnicity is a separate component of identity, but is indirectly tied to language.
Slide 15 : Africa Spain Caribbean Indians Spaniard Puerto Rican Puerto Rican Puerto Rican Spaniard Spaniard Spaniard Cuban
Slide 16 : Problem Sentence(s)
Usually the upper class have the best education going to private schools getting more information. More advance than those kids from the projects.
Issue: Punctuation and tense issues.
Observation: Student should be applauded for using “upper class” instead of high class. “Upper class” is more sophisticated use of diction in an academic paper. Using the term “high class” outside of private conversation says more about you than it does the people to whom you are referring.
Better: The upper class usually have better educational opportunity than disadvantaged students.
Tip: Be mindful of your audience.
Slide 17 : Problem Sentence:
They say that your language tells what your class is, who you are, and where you come from.
Issue: Baldwin’s assertion is more true in England than it is in the United States. It would have been more effective sentence would simply address language as the “crucial key to identity.”
Better: Language reveals who we are on one level, and on another level, our origins.
End: Part I of writing tutorial : End: Part I of writing tutorial Go to www.chompchomp.com/exercises.htm and work on Exercise 1: Comma Splices and Fused Sentences. Many of you are offenders of these serious grammar violations. To see the concluding video with more clarity, you are welcome to download it to your desktop.
Thanks for attending!
H. Reece, AP Language and Composition
Slide 19 :
See you in class! : See you in class!